The title on this diary says it all.
I've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
I found a reason.
I need to show a side of me I didnt know.
A side you didnt know.
I need to let myself out of the shell that I let myself get trapped into. Being trapped in it is no fault of anyone but me.
Being trapped is a pretty crummy feeling, let me tell you. You let yourself believe things you aren't happy with are making you happy. You get "comfortable" in a life that is making you nothing but miserable inside.
I need to find someone who will treat me with respect. Not just common courtesy respect, but the type of respect that goes along with supporting me and what I want to do with my life. I am not looking for a clone of myself. I dont want someone who will try to involve themself in every aspect of my life.
Even my friends aren't my whole world. Dont get me wrong, I care for them all and love them to death. But I live my own life to. I like to maintain my own individuality. I don't go out with them every single night of the week. Maybe once a week I will call up Katie and we'll go to Dairy Queen and grab some cones and hang out. And I will go play cards with Kim, Antaeus, Missy, and Kim's sister Becky. And we will entertain Missy's son and go for a walk.
In the meantime, I live my own life. I work. And I love my job. I have fun, and for the most part, I enjoy who I work with. There are the occasional people I work with who I could very well deal with not working there. But seriously, its a great place. I know I didnt goto college, but does that make me any less of a person?
I want someone who won't think less of me as a person just because that wasn't something I did. Last I checked, not everyone does. I need to be respected for the way I choose to live my life. I am happy with the choices I have made, and the steps I chose to take along the bumpy road have made me a stronger person inside.
I have had my regrets along the way, and Ive had my moments where I couldnt have been more happy for myself and the choices I made. But, that's how things go in life. I dont have to be the perfect person. Ive made mistakes. Ive fell, but Ive brushed my hands and got back up again on my own two feet with no one's help but my own. Ive walked away from things I knew were wrong for the obvious reasons, or just wrong for myself, on a personal level.
Ive been thinking about what it means to truly care for a person and love them. I look at Kim and Antaeus who are together now for almost 4 years. They love each other. BJ loves Nena and she loves him. Theyve been together just about a month. Now, my question is this. How can one love someone whom they live so far from? Personally, I believe it is more than possible. Am I saying I care a lot for someone who is not near me? Possibly. Am I going to name names? Definetly not. Id like to get to know this person better before I even jump to any conclusion as to how I feel on any level. First off, Id probably scare the person totally away from me if I ever admitted that I feel like I could possibly someday, somehow care for them on a deeper level. Distance is a factor for me though. Do I believe in my heart that one can fall for a person who is far away and that it can work out? With all my heart. But I am not sure if I am emotionally able to do that, for the reason that I am the type of person who wants to be held and told I am cared for...face to face. I want the person to be able to look me in my eyes and say how they feel. Depending on a telephone and trips few and far between are difficult for me to imagine. But I feel that if the person is willing to try, then it should not be ruled out by any means. But I am not up for making myself seem like a fool. I am not willing to let myself get hurt. I am not ready to try to get the courage to tell someone how I feel, only to have my heart broken. I am a hopeless romantic and am the type to just want someone there for me. But I believe the best relationships begin from friendships, and I can say that this person is my friend. We have a lot in common and I can only hope to get to know him better. And I really would like that.
But how can one be sure when is the right time to be able to tell someone how you feel? When do you know that it is time to buckle down, face your fears and just go for it? I want to know that! I need someone to tell me flat out how you know when it is the right time? Is there a time limit? A set time perhaps? Do I wait and hope that they tell me if they feel anything? Why do the people who seem so great live so far away? Maybe I am just fooling myself here. Im a fucking fool for feeling and thinking, hell, even dreaming the way I do. I dream wrong. I dream too much. I dwell on things that do not have a chance.
Fuck. Essam just called. He is in Pottstown right now about 15 minutes away and when he gets back he wants to call me so we can hang out for a bit.
Just when I thought I had everything sorted out.
Did I have everything sorted out?
No, not really. But its a nice disguise.
da2kokib/al19fl
julie