Realistically, Julie. Look at yourself. What great looking, cool, and nice guy would want you? Why are you setting yourself up for a fall? Do you like getting hurt? Is pain from rejection what you crave? Does getting hurt when someone doesn't return your feelings make you feel good, or perhaps even satisfied? What an idiot you are, Jules. Sheesh. What is wrong with you?
Why the hell do I bother liking someone? I bet he(Matt) has a girlfriend. And I bet she is beautiful. And smart. And one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. Why should I try winning over someone who I might not have a chance for, come hell or high water? It is impossible. I am thinking about giving up.
Now I know you are thinking, "Oh don't give up, Julie! Anything is possible." Possible, yes. But not very likely. I need to realize that I set high standards for myself, and there is no way that I can achieve these standards because of who I am on the outside, and the inside. I just got out of a two year relationship. Im 20 years old. And Im scared I will be alone and never find "the one for me".
Now youre saying "Oh youre just 20. Youre still young, and youre gonna find the one for you. He's out there." Well thanks everyone for your optimism. But you dont know me. Youre not the one who thought you found the one for you, only to have the relationship fizzle out into nothing, and left you empty and alone.
Youre also not the one who isnt able to take disappointment easily. Some shrug it off. Some do, but it takes time. That latter option is me to a "T". I take it to heart. I wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder what others think is wrong with me. I wonder if I can change myself to make others perceive me as a so-called great person. I wonder how I can change so I can experience happiness.
I know I dont NEED a relationship. But I want one. I dont think I am being selfish, nor greedy just because I want someone to care about me and love me. And to be my friend in that way that I can lean on them so much, but it doesnt seem to shake them. I want that security of knowing that someone will always be there for me to love me no matter who I am, what Ive done, and where Ive been. No matter what I did or didnt do in my life that most consider the norm.
I know I have friends I can lean on in that way, but I still want something more. Something that is a stable, caring, relationship. That can be my rock. I need that stability. I want to be loved like that. So much.
How do you expect me to be happy right now? Im 20 years old, and Im 21 in October. Thats right, the big 2-1. And people say I should just date around now, and try to find the one for me. Well, the predicament that I am finding myself in, is that there is no one who would want to "date around" with me. Im not what a guy wants. See, most guys see me as a "guy's girl". To make a long story short, I am the type of girl that a guy would rather talk about sports too than go on a date with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what youre thinking: "Julie, youre the biggest sports freak I know!". Yeah, that may be the case(looks at self wearing a beat up old Flyers tshirt) but I want a guy who can be more than someone I can talk about the scores from the games to. You know what I mean? I want to find that special someone. I want to be loved and accepted for the person I am. I dont want to have to put on a show or an act for someone to make them happy and satisfied. I dont want to feel guilty in a relationship for needing a night to myself. I dont want to feel pressured to spend every free moment with them. I still want to be able to curl up on my bed on a Sunday afternoon to watch the Nascar race without "owing" an explanation for why Im doing what Im doing.
You know how people say there are exceptions to every rule? Well, maybe Im the exception to everyone finding that special someone. I am destined to live on my own with 10 cats and sit around all day watching game shows and soap operas in my sweatpants, while munching on cookies and chips. *shudders* Its scary to think that might be my destiny.
Am I even meant to have anyone love me like that? Can anyone seriously look at me and see me as more than "one of the guys"? I think I am permanately one of them. So maybe a relationship is not in my cards. Why am I stuck in this rut, otherwise known as my life? Why me? What the hell is wrong with me, and how can I fix it?
Writing this out is clearing my mind a little bit. Not exactly clearing my mind, but at least sorting out the different things that are bothering me right now. Im not saying I feel better. If I did, Id be lying. And I think its stupid to write lies here on my diary, which is the open outlet for my emotions.
In which case...this entry is over.
da2kokib/al19fl
julie