I dont know what Im really and truly thinking. Im thinking about so much. Youd think if I was thinking so much, that Id know what Im thinking, but well, I dont. Argh. I really want to go to Pittsburgh this summer for a weekend but I am to damn nervous to a) bite the bullet and get a way out there, b) to convince my mother I am capable of taking a trip on my own, and c) to see Chris cause I am so nervous. Ive known him for 5 years now, and have yet to meet him. My mom knows who he is from all the times she chatted baseball with him in the baseball chat rooms on webtv in Talk City chats, but I dont know if she'd like me making a trip alone. Not cause of Chris, but to be a young girl traveling alone. Im nervous about meeting him cause well, I dont know if I will be who he thought I was, you know, once we meet. I never put on an act about being someone Im not for him, but you know, I dont want to disappoint him cause one- I am not very pretty, therefore, I am not someone a nice person like him would want to be seen with, and I hope my reasoning is incorrect.I have a fear of disappointing people I care for. I know Chris thinks of me as a great friend and all, but Im also still scard shitless to come out there cause Im terrified of a) being out on my own on a trip cause I never traveled alone before, yeah I know, what a baby. I have a homesick problem. I dont like the idea of staying in a hotel alone. Im almost 21 years old and I need to not let myself succumb to this fear Im holding onto. I need someone to rationalize with me. Tell me I am not a fool for being scared shitless to be out on my own, and b) that Chris will be like, "That's you?? Oh ok.." and I'll be like, fuck...where the hell did I get the idea he'd even want me out here? He said to me when I said Id come out sometime that it'd be "sweet" and "awesome." I am also wishing that I would be able to get answers to the reasons I am internally struggling with finding a reason for everything: My life, my confusions, my pain, my worries,fears and struggles to make sense of it all. I want the answers that dont even exsist. I keep on telling myself that the answers are out there, yet I am too fucking stupid to find them. Maybe I am. Wait, I know I am. Why wont anyone just flat out tell me that I am a fucking head case for thinking what I am thinking. Argh. I am so messed up over this, and Chris is right when he told me people have more important problems and no Chris, Im not mad at you or upset about that still...Im just thinking out loud that you in fact, are correct. People DO have more important things to worry about, and here I am worrying about what could possibly be the most insignificant and petty problems known to man. Sheesh. Pathetic, aren't I not? I wish my life had a sense of direction. I know I am not a very smart person. I was offered a nice job in December but the hours that were offered to me in the interview were NOT the hours given to me when I was offered employment(I was told 9-5 in the interview, and on the phone, they said 6am-1pm) And I was like fuck this, I am not doing that, even though the pay was almost a third of what I make where I am at now. In addition, the commute would be 45 minutes, and that's on a good day! I would be passing traffic headed towards Philly and that is a sad story traffic-wise. Therefore Id have to leave by quarter of 5 everyday. I am really not accustomed to that kind of a schedule. See, a 9-5 I could handle very well. Even an 8-4 type of job. I cant handle the 6-1 thing. Im not like that. A new sleep schedule like that throws my body so out of it, my mood changes drastically. I get sarcastic, pissed off, moody,miserable and flat out no fun to associate with. Do you want that? No. Do I? Fuck no! And when the hell did I begin getting such a mouth like this? I didnt used to curse this damn much before. Someone influenced me. Maybe something did. I dont know what the hell it was. In all honesty, I do not even care. All I know is I am ending this entry and getting on the phone. Time to unwind a little.
da2kokib and al19fl
~jules