Im a horrible person for what I have done. I can not fucking forgive myself for all Ive done to hurt you, Jill. Youre my best friend, and youve been there for me through it all. I didnt think when I wrote, and I blew it out of proportion. I dont think I could have asked for a better friend than you.
I know you truly know I never minded listening to you. Im always here to help. I just had felt a little left out cause I didnt feel like I was getting my fair share of being listened to the other night. I let the misunderstanding between me and Chris affect to much. And I was wrong to take that out on you for things beyond your control. Youre right. Your life is more complicated than mine. And I want to be here for you if you ever need anything. I may not be able to get to Jersey to be there for you if you need anything, but I am ALWAYS just a phone call away. You say the word, and Id be there for you. Thats what friends are for. And you Jill, are not a shitty friend. You are a better friend than what I have ever deserved. Im not a person who is able to tlak about how I feel openly, and when I am ready to and no one is there, I snap totally, and last night, I did just that. It was a horrible mistake, it was wrong, and I am 110% unable to forgive myself for the stuff I put you through. I realize how much youve been there, and I feel like a jackass for how I reacted and treated you. Youve been hurt to much, more than I realize, and I should have thought before I wrote the things I wrote. You mean to much to me to lose out on a friendship like this. Youre my long lost sister, and my best friend. People say, "When friends fight, they fight. When families fight, they fight like war." And I think of you as family, and sadly enough, this is a fight like war. I want to talk this out, work it out, and get thigns back to normal. I know it might hurt. I know my words cut like a knife, and I cant forgive myself for that. I got your voice mails this morning, heard them, and then went online to delte my entry before you could read it...because I forgave you...but it was to late.
I also realized I treated you like that bitch Mia treated me last year and a friendship was ended and never came back again. I dont want that to happen to us. I want you to help me learn to be a better friend, cause that is what I want to be to you, and to others as well. I will try not to put so much emphasis on my own problems, petty as some of them are, and try to be more supportive about the things that do matter most to me, and that's being there for the friends who are always there for me without a blink of hesitation. I dont want to lose a friend like this. Not this way. It hurts to much, and Id like to resolve this somehow. We both deserve a good friend, make that a wonderful friend. I want to be that friend for you.
Before any of this even happened, I put something in the mailbox for you today as my own way of saying how grateful I am that God has blessed me with your friendship. Because he did. I dont want to lose you. Youre my best friend, Jill.
"If I ever cant be there for you, God will give you someone to be there for you"
I hope Im still that person. I hope you'll try to let me be again. And I hjope you can help me be a better friend and person. Cause you have a heart of gold, Jill. I love you like my sister.
Da2KoKiB and Al19Fl!!!!!!!!
~julie~!