I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And thinking really is not a good thing for me, which I realize. I realize now that I do not want to go to Canada with Kyle and his family. I am not happy in the relationship, so why should I spend $450 on a trip that deep down I do not want to go on? It is very pointless to go. I do not know how to end the relationship because I am scared to be alone. After being with someone for two years, you have sort of a dependency on them, and therefore do not know how to let go, and break free, and be yourself. Who am I anymore? Do I even know? Can someone please tell me? I need someone to tell me who I am. Inside, outside, mentally, and everything. I have been so trapped in my own life on the outside looking in, that I do not even know anymore who "Julie" even is.
Who is Julie? Is she a figment of imagination? Or is she still the bubbly brown eyed girl you know of? Is she still the same girl who can tell you the names of almost every single player to play for the Braves since 1994? Is she still the same girl who can tell you where she was when she heard the news about the death of her favorite Flyers player, Dimitri Tertyshny? Is she still the girl who can sing you every Brad Paisley song and not miss a beat? Or has her life changed so dramatically that she doesnt even know who she is anymore, or what her purpose is? Does she have a purpose?
Complexity is the word that comes to mind when I try to sit in front of this diary to describe myself. Kind of difficult to describe myself when the definition of "myself" is vague and unclear. Unclear. That's a good word. More or less, I am trying to sort out what I need, what I want, and let the people that make me feel good about myself stay a part of my life, and set free the ones who tie me down and trap me. Another word that describes myself about now is lost. I am lost-seeking a way to find who I am. I used to think I knew what I wanted out of life, and was so determined to reach my dreams, that I did not let anything stand in my way. Now I am pushing my own dreams aside and letting myself and my dreams slip into oblivion.
I guess there are some aspects about me that won't ever change, even though my life is a mess. I will always put my friends before myself, because without them, I don't know where I'd be. I will always be a huge Nascar, baseball, hockey and football fan. I will always love sitting down on my bed with an ice cold soda and watching a baseball game. "Baseball Tonight" will always be my favorite show. I will always love the sweet taste of minto chocolate chip ice cream.
But what does that have to do with me not knowing who I am and where I am going in life?
da2kokib and al19fl
julie